Watching Kids Struggle

Conventional parenting wisdom tells us to let kids learn, and overprotective parents are doing a disservice to their kids' development, such is the rhetoric. Yet, as much as I agree with this approach in theory, it's incredibly difficult to do in practice.

The Background

As of late last year, my little one decided to join a sports team because this was what they wanted. It's an independent sport that requires a high level of skill and athleticism, so even most adults would have trouble participating in it recreationally. It was a surprise to me and her dad.

She has only picked up the sport recreationally for less than an hour once a week for at most 9 months. In comparison, the other team members are either older or have 2-3 years more experience than she does in the sport. She has neither natural athletic talent (our combined poor genetics) nor years of experience (my own lack of understanding to help her), so of all the areas to pursue to excel and master, she has independently sought out and probably found the one field where she is tremendously disadvantaged.

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The Struggle

From the beginning, it was a struggle. For the first month of her time on the team, the main work was just developing the emotional maturity to handle the rigor required to be part of a team and the stamina to last throughout the multi-hour practice. At the first practice, she was so lost that she ended up sitting out half of the practice. Then, the time she sat out shortened from half to a quarter and to none. But it was a process.

After 2 or 3 of the initial practices, she started refusing to go to practice, which made it hard to get ready before the practice. She wanted to quit.

During one particular standoff, I remember standing face to face with her, not sure how to handle this impending meltdown, until I asked her if her resistance was because "she wasn't good at it." Her answer was a look of both defeat and hope. Her wordless answer enlightened me about the complex feelings such a little girl could feel without the emotional maturity or tools to reason through them.

She felt both:

• Defeated because she felt that she was just very bad at it, and
• Hopeful because maybe her mom can solve this for her, such is the "omnipotent power" parents have over children at that impressionable young age.

At that moment, I could only point to the fact that nothing comes easy, and everything we come to know comes through hard work. From swimming to reading, the process for her to learn these skills to a certain level of proficiency took time, from months to years. This is no different.

I decided that she could quit when she no longer enjoyed the sport, but she was not allowed to quit because "she was bad at it." Then we kept going.

The Adjustment Period

After the initial adjustment came the need to catch up to the level of everyone else. In the first six months, she came home with bruises and bumps everywhere. There were days when the injury sufficiently scared her that she did not want to try again at the next practice. Her fear would move her to tears. On one occasion, she spent the last 15 minutes of practice talking to the coach in a heart-to-heart, explaining her challenges and fears, and working out a plan to move past this particular blocker.

She has been immensely fortunate to have coaches who have shown her patience and dedication to help her through this adjustment hurdle period.

Getting in a Groove

Since then, she has gotten into a groove. She has gotten used to not being the best but not focusing on others. She focuses on herself and her own improvement and goals.

She remains committed and shows up to practice with a wide smile, even if she hasn't had a good day so far.

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Struggling with a Smile

Sometimes, I am amazed at how happy she is to face this challenge day after day, week after week, and now month after month. She is not discouraged when she sees others excel while she is behind. She is not upset at not being the best. She is not bothered when other kids are annoyed she is slow and cut around her.

Most parents here are proud when their kid nails their floor routine or a new challenging skill on the bars. I'm proud instead of her mental state in the sport. This sport has given her an unexpected opportunity to hone character traits like dedication, perseverance, and self-confidence in facing external pressure and criticism from her environment, peers, and circumstances.

Watching her struggle yet thrive has taught me that sometimes it's best to sit back as a parent and just be there for their journey as an observer. She may not develop into an Olympic gymnast, but she sure as hell will be one tenacious, driven individual who is unwavering in pursuit of her goals. And that is more than winning any sports medal.